the sound of silence

Newborn. Toddler. Dog. Husband. Right now all 4 are sleeping, taking naps to re-charge for the rest of the day (except my dog, that’s all she does these days).

I’m on my keyboard, that being the only sound aside from the snores of my beagle and the air conditioner. I miss this silence. When things are quiet and I can actually sit with my own thoughts, embracing and soaking in the stillness. It doesn’t last long.

At this particular time we are maneuvering the demands of a toddler and the needs of a newborn. Both happening at the same time, and both carrying the same amount of importance and priority. My husband’s paternity leave is ending this weekend and on Monday it’s me + the kids. God help me. Oh, and did I mention we decided to potty train my toddler this weekend? Yeah, we’re doing that too. Cue head shake.

If someone should ask how I’m doing, I would say its complicated. With a moderate case of postpartum depression, missing my family and juggling to find my new normal come Monday, I would say I’m a *little* overwhelmed.

The real reality sets in when the dust settles and everyone goes back to their before-baby routine. Family goes back home, husband goes back to work, and just like that it’s just you and the kiddos trying to figure out how to get through the day. As a stay at home mom, Monday is staring at me with a “so what are you going to do?” look.

I’ve got no choice but to figure it out. It was daunting how me + new baby were going to get into a groove, and we figured it out. Me + toddler + new baby will also figure it out. It’ll be different, but eventually (after much trial and error), we’ll find our groove. To all the mamas out there freaking out about the same thing, trying to wrap their heads around how they are going to get through the day, believe me when I say it’ll happen. At the end of the day, we have no choice but to make it work, and we will.

In the meantime, I’m just going to sit here. Basking in the silence. Before the chaos commences once again.

Welcome to the world

There is something to be said about being able to plan your baby’s birth, even if you only get 24 hours. Dylan was welcomed into this world as an early arrival on a Sunday morning, making today a week since we completed our family with a beautiful baby boy!

It’s a known thing that I am not great at being pregnant, my body doesn’t like to play host, (which come to think about it, neither do I, a sign maybe?) and my placenta likes to give out after about 35 weeks. So when I started to feel sick again and went to my doctor for the normal checkup, I was asked to go to the hospital for general monitoring. A “couple of hours” turned into a 2 night overnight stay, only to be discharged to go home for a night and then return to the hospital the next day for a c-section to get the baby out because of incredibly high protein levels. Pre-eclampsia, we meet again. This time it was caught before things got out of hand and before HELLP syndrome could show its nasty face. I now see that my doctor let me go home so I could get my shit together because everyone knew this baby needed to come out. Luckily, he was thriving and happy, while my body started the paperwork to try to kill me again.

It all worked out the way it was supposed to. My condition was caught at just the right time, I was able to get my doctor to perform the surgery (she came in on her day off which I will be forever grateful), my favorite nurse was working that day, and my family was able to be there with me.

I’m so happy it was Dylan that decided to complete our family, to be the last puzzle piece of our unique little crew. The intimate cuddle time I get to spend with him in the early mornings while my toddler is asleep and the house is quiet is becoming one of my favorite times to spend time with my new love. His facial expressions are the cutest thing ever and I can see his curiosity of this new world as his blurry vision takes it all in. He likes to be held, loves the mamaroo and is a hungry little guy. With no need for the NICU or any other medical problems, our job is to feed him, keep him warm and love on him.

It’s different the second time around. I know how to change a diaper, but no idea how to juggle two kids at the same time. I’ve experienced the “first baby firsts”, but it still feels new and uncharted because every baby is unique and a new experience on its own. A baby boy will be different for obvious reasons, but right now, it’s all about showing him that he is super loved, protected and comforted in this bright, big, overwhelming new world. I make the same promise to him that I did for his sister: to be his protector, advocate and whole-hearted mama bear. I got you. Everyone else better watch out.

Mommy loves you so much, Dyl. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy and for completing our family.

pregnant with a toddler- the struggle is real

I know pregnancy makes you tired, especially in the last month, but I was not prepared for how tired I’d feel this time around. My daughter had issues with me as her nutrition host and was a tiny, pre-term 3 lb. baby who just made me sick all the way up to delivery. But I could take a nap on demand (when I wasn’t nauseous), and plan her arrival calmly.

This time is so different. While in hindsight I appreciate the fact that my daughter kept me just distracted enough to not have the luxury of feeling sick all day (the DayQuil commercials come to mind when the mom goes into her kids room and asks to take a sick day), as time has gone by and my belly gets bigger, it’s harder for me to keep up with her. I’m tired all day, not sleeping, and chasing a toddler with the energy of a hopping Energizer bunny.

I wasn’t prepared to be this exhausted 24/7 with a toddler running around and an unborn son who thankfully is on target and using my body and thriving. All this while trying to wrap my head around all the things that need to get done to get a house ready to accommodate two little ones with completely different needs.

I struggle with trying to fit in so many things that I want to do with my daughter as we come to a close as a twosome, with the reality that my body just can’t do it. While zoo trips and beach days sound awesome, I’m slowly caving into the fact that movie afternoons are where it needs to be at. Queue up Finding Nemo and The Little Mermaid.

So while I’d love to hear any thoughts out there from other moms who have have dealt with this exact situation, I know that I’m not alone and that I’ll be fine. My mom did this exact thing and my sisters and I came out just fine (or so she keeps telling us). Still- any advice on how to survive this last month of pregnancy with an active toddler would be much appreciated!