baby thoughts: fear of the unknown

I’m halfway through this pregnancy, which means that in 4.5 months we’ll be welcoming a little boy into our family.

At first, the fear of the unknown set in hard. Not knowing what I was going to do with a boy, how my relationship with my little one will develop, and how I was going to handle the moving parts of a family of four were overwhelming. I think about those moments when days flow so gracefully when it’s just her and I. Then I think about how that same day would be while also having a newborn. And fear sets in.

As the predicted due date approaches faster and faster, the logistics of bringing another baby have gone from anxiety, to a go-with-the-flow system, back to an anxiety, and round and round we go. Those same thoughts are softened by the support of family and friends, but most of all, the assurance that Justin and I are a true team. Although our little one was a pretty easy baby, the way Justin and I handled being parents of a newborn really impressed me. We worked together, never undermining the other and going with the flow to see what worked and when. It makes such a difference when you’re also struggling with sleep deprivation and trying to keep the human that you’ve made stay alive.

All those things aside, the fear of the unknown is a difficult pill to swallow, and one that I personally struggle with through life. It’s always better to know whether a situation will work out when you know the outcome, but the “wait and see” approach is tough, man. What if it’s harder than I thought? What if I could’ve done something differently? What if, what if, what if. It can be so mind consuming. A surprise pregnancy, different gender, impact of the first born and logistics of space are all unknowns. But in all this I keep going back to two sayings that calm me down:

“God will never give you something you can’t handle”

“People have done this exact thing FOR YEARS”

I guess I’m officially welcomed to the club.

it’s really happening (baby #2)

Alright, at 21 weeks and halfway through this thing. In a couple of months we’ll be knee deep in diaper changes, late night feedings and being parents of a newborn again. I’m wrapping my head around the logistics of bringing another baby into the world, and as I hang out with my little one and rock her to sleep while my obvious pregnant belly is getting bigger and bigger, I’m reminded to savor those precious moments of us as a twosome.

Here’s how I’m doing this time around:

1. How big is the baby?

Baby is the size of baseball hat or a baby bok choy. He’s super active and kicking all the time. I’m carrying this baby differently this time around which the doctor has blamed gender and stretched uterus, go figure. 

2. Foods I Love…

Pickles! Cliche as all hell, but I’ve sent Justin on a run for pickles now, and I HATE pickles. Never eat them when they come with sandwiches, always pick them off burgers, but with this pregnancy I want them so bad. Truffles are also a win- but I don’t know if I would blame that on pregnancy…

3. Foods I Hate…

Super heavy food and seafood. It’s just too much and I feel like I have to walk around and help everything move and it’s just not worth it. I’m eating more than with Olivia, which is awesome, but there is quite a bit of maintenance and supervision that has to be done so I don’t feel like shit. 

4. How I’m Feeling…

While I think this pregnancy is going better than my first, I’m getting all sorts of new discomforts like round ligament pain and back pain. Maybe it’s because I’m carrying him differently, my placenta is in a good spot this time around and baby boy is super active, who knows. I think my body just got its shit together this time around, but I feel better. First trimester was a bitch, and I don’t wish that on anyone, so I’m happy to be in second trimester (although I wouldn’t call it bliss). 

5. Looking Forward To…

Keeping on, keeping on. Feeling OK, celebrating with friends and family to help welcome this new baby, the joy of giving Olivia a sibling and becoming a family of four. Our ultrasound was great and everything seems to be progressing the way that it should. 

6. Scared About…

The probability of developing preeclampsia again with this pregnancy. I am reading that there is a 20-30% chance of it happening again just because of the severity of the last one (HELLP syndrome). I’m checking my blood pressure everyday and monitoring my symptoms closely. Hopefully since I know what to look for, I”ll be better prepared to handle it if it happens again. 

7. Things I’ve Learned…

Give into the cravings- why the hell not? Walking is also good for everyone involved including Olivia and Mya. I’ve also learned that although my bond with Olivia is so super strong, I’m happy that we are giving her a sibling to partner through life. I was listening to a podcast by Jeff Kluger who wrote a book called The Sibling Effect. At the end of his speech, he says that siblings “give each other a sense of constancy, a sense of having a permanent traveling companion and somebody with whom they road tested life with before they ever had to get out and travel it on their own. They are among the richest harvests that life has to offer.” I know with the closeness that my sisters and I share, I feel so grateful my parents decided to do that for me. 

It’s really happening (baby #2)

baby#2

Alright, at 16 weeks I’m officially in my second trimester. While I’m grateful to all the gods that be that I’m not puking 2-3 times a day anymore, I have to say that the thing I notice the most is that I’m SO. TIRED. Like all day. I don’t remember this from when I was pregnant for Olivia, but then I think back at that time and I was able to take a nap on demand and get up as late as I wanted to. Ahhh the experience of being pregnant with a toddler 🙂

Here’s how I’m doing this time around:

1. How big is the baby?

Baby is the size of an action hero. Since we are having a boy, I’m using the “fun and games” theme to make tracking how big baby is a bit more fun. My app shows an action figure of Batman, which Justin finds very amusing. 

2. Foods I Love…

Cheese. It’s officially a craving. I want grilled cheese, queso (need to make a trip back home and hit up Pappasitos soon), and string cheese. At this point I’ll even have a spoonful of shredded cheese. They say having a boy makes you crave salty foods. I suppose cheese fits in that category, although I also crave chocolate…  

3. Foods I Hate…

Red meat, seafood (just like with Olivia) and salads. Although a salad sounds fantastic, the leafy greens make my acid reflux flare up and that lump in my throat is here for the second time, so I’m avoiding anything that is grainy or small. 

4. How I’m Feeling…

Like I said before, I thank all the gods that be that I’m not puking anymore. First trimester morning sickness is pure torture and I’m grateful I’m able to function at more than what felt like 20% for the fist 2 months. Although I’m able to eat more, I still feel uncomfortably full after eating a small meal. I’m also super tired. I blame chasing an active toddler and the parasite I’m hosting. I nap when my toddler naps and try to get in some afternoon snoozes on the weekends when my husband can watch her for a while.

5. Looking Forward To…

Our 20 week ultrasound coming up at the end of this month. Looking forward to seeing how the baby is growing and how everything is forming. I’m also looking forward to feeling him kick soon. I’ve been told that second time moms can feel their baby kick sooner because they know what it can feel like versus first time moms. Hopefully he’ll let me know he’s in there soon! 

6. Scared About…

The unknown of having a boy. It’s a real uncertainty you guys. I worry about all of it- how to raise a boy, what kind of mother I’ll be to two little ones, will Olivia be as close to a brother as I am to my sisters, will they be able to share a room OK, or will it be weird- all that. I also wonder how I’m going to be able to make it my new normal of raising two kids. I know people do it all the time, but it’s a new thing for me. If you’ve got insight or tips, please leave it in the comments section! 

7. Things I’ve Learned…

Pregnancy is not good on me. They say every pregnancy is different, but my body has shown twice that growing a baby doesn’t agree with me. The morning sickness, full feeling, acid reflux and exhaustion is part of the deal, and I’m grateful I’m able to conceive and have babies, but it’s hard on my body.